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Final Fantasy: The Spirit Wilted

In case anybody wonders why Suzan appears to be a bit mad at me, it can be blamed on video games. Not from me playing them on end (I haven’t touched a 3D shooter in days). This little spat has to do with a movie based on a video game … one that I decided we should see.

We wanted to see Moulin Rouge Thursday afternoon, but the theater we picked wasn’t playing it. So it was down to Scary Movie 2, Dr. Doolittle 2, or Final Fantasy. DD2 didn’t thrill me, and Scary Movie 2 seems like a group event … so I decided to try Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. It’s got great animation and a good cast of voices (Donald Sutherland, Alec Baldwin, James Woods). It might turn out to be a typical sci-fi flick, but it couldn’t be that bad.

I am now busy redefining the expectation level that goes with the phrase “that bad”.

I post this now to save you all from this movie. Do not go see it. DO not let your friends see it. Only send your ex-wives, hated ex-boyfriends and workers compensation attourneys to see this film.

Since you should never pay real money to see this film, I’m going to give my overview with spoilers (of course, it’s hard to spoil something that’s so ripped off from other films). Now, the thirty second movie overview:

Hot Japanese looking babe/action-heroine/scientist looks for life forms to combine to cure the Earth of an “alien invasion”, while helped with her ex-boyfriend/military-stud/squadron-leader and his platoon of marines (tough white chick, black guy, comic relief white guy). Evil general/mence/heartless-bastard military leader wants to use big gun/penis to blow them up instead, but the balding/old/mystical scientist is afraid this attack will harm the Earth’s spirit/essense/sweet-fruit-filling.

Some problems both Suzanne and I had with the film (besides the suckage):

1. It was slow. I don’t mean slow like “A.I.” or “eyes Wide Shut”. I mean slow like “Somewhere in Time” played at half-speed to an audience of potheads. Slow like taking valium and standing in a Metro Atlanta DMV line. Wal Mart photo processing develops faster than this picture. (Idea stolen very poorly from 2001)

2. If you’re going to rip off the Gaia name, try and keep some of the original legend intact. Your primary audience is geeks, therefore the literate ones might have some knowledge of what Gaia really is. (Idea stolen poorly from one of a dozen “save the planet” Anime films, along with biological theories & a few new-age religions)

3. The “bad” aliens get cool-ass shapes, while “Gaia” (the spirit of every f*&^ing thing on the planet Earth) looks like a river of Berry Blue Jello. The Earth has a blueberry cream filling … fancy that. (Idea stolen from a Krispy Kreme)

4. The aliens that have attacked and ravaged the Earth for thirty years aren’t really invaders … they’re just “confused”. Of all the PC bullsh&t … “confused” aliens don’t just go ripping the souls out of a planet. Either make them scary, or more compassionate. (Idea stolen badly from Ender’s Game)

5. Confusing dream sequences do not make a plot … they make your audience wish they could sleep through this digital disaster. Where are those Serta sheep when you need them?

6. After this respected scientist finds the last “spirit”, the supreme scientific theories of this tall Yoda wannabe are reduced to messed-up magic. Trekkies get better explanations of how the ship was saved than how these idiots saved the entire planet. (Idea stolen from any Dungeon Master who needed to save his game when the players got to the evil wizard)

7. Yes, as in any movie with a squad of soldiers fighting aliens, only the handsome leader with the sexy love interest lives to the end. (Idea stolen badly from such quality cinema as Predator)

8. The movie tries to redeem point 7 by sacrificing the hero (Alec “I’m not the annoying one” Baldwin) in the final battle/alien-hugfest/magic-wand-ending. But you see that one coming miles away, riding on the back of the elephant that wandered in through one of the plot holes. (Idea lifted from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon … but they got that from somebody else).

In conclusion, Suzanne gets to pick the next movie. I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with horses. Thank the maker I didn’t pay full price. The next time you want to see digital animation, I’ll overdub a game of Half-Life at Thomas’ house.

If Planet of the Apes sucks this bad, DragonCon 2001 is going to be painful. I’d like some of this year’s sci-fi not to suck spoo.

Posted by Mr. Spade / July 12, 2001 @ 11:04 pm

8 comments

Comment by starlady (July 13, 2001 @ 1:12 am)

I quite enjoyed it. I thought the animation was lovely and the plot, while contrived, was a standard Final Fantasy plot, which is what I was expecting. (Were this a game, you would have been expected to collect all 8 ’spirits’ in order to defeat the enemy.)

Of course, if I’d been planning to see Moulin Rouge (mmmm… Ewan McGregor) I’d probably have been disappointed with FF as well. There couldn’t be two more different movies.

Jess.

Comment by domesticat (July 13, 2001 @ 1:24 am)

Okay, I’ll come out of hiding.

Brian, I didn’t like it either, though I think my complaint is much, much simpler than yours.

I just wish they’d taken the money they were gonna spend on CGI and redirected it toward the scriptwriters.

That was a lame and painful script.

The visuals were pretty. I gotta give ‘em that. But the story to back it up didn’t have much of a backbone.

Worth the price of a rental for the CGI, but not for a theater ticket + in-movie munchies.

Comment by brianr (July 13, 2001 @ 7:37 am)

Suzanne had the same comment as Kat. Actually, it was more like "they blew all their money on CGI so they hired the producer’s fifth grade son to write the script". It was a cool idea that turned into a bad cliche all too quickly.

I’m still pissed about the Earth’s blueberry filling.

Comment by solarmax (July 13, 2001 @ 9:23 am)

I liked it, because it was Final Fantasy. The dialogue was a bit mundane, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they had the people who write the dialogue for the games help write this.

But holy mother monkey butt, was it gorgeous.

Comment by Thomas (July 13, 2001 @ 10:52 am)

Ummm…Visualy stunning….But if yo have seen any of the aliens movies youve seen FF. And being surrounded by EarthLink people one of whom is a Ex-GF’s Ex-Husband (don’t ask) made the experiance that much more thrilling. =)

Comment by Gee-off (July 13, 2001 @ 3:17 pm)

You know you have a terminal case of lackanookie when you start looking at the CGI characters and going, "Damn, I wish she were real."

Comment by wintersun (July 16, 2001 @ 10:34 am)

I have to agree with Starlady. Anybody who went to this movie, expecting a good script must not have understood the point of the movie. It’s a movie based off of a game, thus the plot is going to be just like a game.

As for the animation, it was absolutely gorgeous. There were several scenes where I could have sworn it was real and not CGI. I’m glad that I went to see this in the theatres rather than home video, because my TV still can’t do complete justice to beautiful animation like that.

Comment by Grant (July 16, 2001 @ 12:18 pm)

I have to say that I liked the CGI but after wanting to walk out half way in to the movie even thought I expced it to be a bacic FF plot it will be a wile till I go see a nother movie. But thinking that it was a game plot it was not as bad as it could have been, It also had the chance to be good if it would have had a plot.

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